When We Don't Belong

A couple of months ago, a friend invited me to a games night at a local business with a group of people I didn’t know well. I’ve thought about it several times since, because it was an experience where I felt out of place most of the night, like I didn’t quite belong. The evening started awkwardly (I’d even struggled to find the oddly hidden entrance to the business — why would a business do that?) and never quite gelled. Of course, I made the required small talk that one makes when meeting new people and tried to appear friendly and interested in the games. I made an effort to smile and chat. But it all felt forced. The pauses between games (when others were easily socializing) were the worst. In those moments, I busied myself with my phone, texting my husband about how uncomfortable I felt.

It felt bad in all sorts of ways: my mind was aware of internal discomfort; I had a pit in my stomach; and my body felt the way it does when I get bad news. Being an outsider was a full body and mind experience. The feelings were strong enough that it was hard to focus on the games. I usually love trivia! I’m good at it! But that night, I was hyper-focused on my lack of belonging and not fully able to do the thing I was supposed to be doing.

For me it was a single evening feeling out of place, but here's why it matters: We ask kids to show up to school each day to make meaningful progress as a learner, but if they’re focused on a lack of belonging, whether perceived or real, they can’t fully attend to the work of school.

From a host of research (Geoffrey Cohen's Belonging is a great place to start), we know that belonging matters. Still, it’s no small feat to bring a disparate group together and help each person feel they are a unique and vital part of the whole. In schools, it can be easy to relegate activities that promote belonging to early September, but to develop a true sense of belonging takes longer and is the result of many small moments that build slowly over time.

So what can you try, even when it’s March and the traditional get-to-know-you activities are way behind you? Try one (or more!) of these:

-Do a check-in: If you’re unsure what the state of belonging is in your classroom, ask your students. You could do this as a starter or an exit ticket and ask questions like, “Do you feel like you have a place in this classroom?” or “How do you feel coming to class each day and why?”

-Play a short & silly game together at the beginning of class: Sometimes, doing something playful and unexpected can take us out of our head and help connect a group in unanticipated ways. If you’re sensing that something doesn’t feel right, try adding a few playful activities into your weekly or monthly routine and see if this shifts.

-Before partner work, be intentional: If you’ve noticed that there may be kids in your class who feel a lower sense of belonging, create some intentional moments for connection. Before a partner or triad activity, students could play “Two Truths and a Lie” or they could try to find the weirdest thing that they have in common.

-Share about yourself: Teachers can be reluctant to share about themselves, even though this can be a great way to bond with a class. Creating a culture where you share things about yourself can help students feel more at ease because it lessens the sometimes overly rigid boundary between teachers and students in a classroom. (I always found great success keeping my worst school photo in my desk for when kids got their picture day photos back and someone had a hard time with how they appeared).

-Be transparent: Lots of classes I’ve worked with respond best with honesty and your observation of what you see. If you think there’s a particular class that hasn’t come together in a way where everyone feels some sense of belonging, name that, and see what they say. You could start this as a written reflection so that you can spend time “hearing” from everyone before you ask students to speak. A chalk talk is another tool you can use to have this kind of discussion.

For me, an uncomfortable games night was a one-night event. I was happy when the evening ended, and I could put it behind me. But if there are students in your room who are struggling with belonging, it’s never too late in the year to make a difference. If you have a class that hasn’t yet created a solid place for all your students, try one of these strategies and let us know how it goes!